If only I had no faith, this feeling of disappointment could take me to the wrong path. So God, on whose else shoulder I can lean on but Yours?
This digital screen is maybe so tired, filled with my unnecessary trash of life. O, I know how ungrateful I was if I said, “if I could turn back time” or “if only I used to be like this and like that”. But I just want to erase my past mistakes, until I have no feeling of disappointment for any longer, even the tears dropped when I read the crooked letters on the bed, groaning with the pain on sajadah at any time, or force myself to engage in one system that actually, from the bottom of my heart, makes me exhausted. Sometimes I think I want to stop it as quickly as possible. If I did not know the value of responsibility, I could run away. I could run away whenever I like. But You still guide me, You still reinforce my willingness not to stop learning and not to make people get disappointed.
Not because of other’s fault the regret grows over the time. It’s just about my personal error. This situation has made my patience grow for so long. If only I was mean and ungrateful for the precious time you have given to me, I could get away from you. But every time, when You found me lost, you always gave me surprises. Subhanallah, You have Your own way to give me advices. You brought me to the people who can make me reflect on myself and get happiness, so I’m still awake, to accept and to be patient for the test given. When there is no one for me to cry on, You are the best of the best place to go back.
O Allah, the turner of the heart, don’t let ignorance and insensitivity come along, and don’t let anything useless interfere with my life. Amen.