I will remark this day as the beginning of my (alternative) dream, the day when everything feels so flat and complicated at the same time. Awkward moment! May 20 2012, after taking shubuh prayer, I turned on my daddy’s laptop, searching for announcement about SIMAK (entrance test) UI for master program. There, a statement of congratulation, in bold, made me feel so flat, and complicated at the same time, very different from 5 years ago, when I was accepted to be an undergraduate of English Studies. I swallowed hard for knowing this. No sigh, but there was silent for few minutes.
After that, I convinced myself to ensure that o, ok, I will be a postgraduate student at my campus, something that I never planned before (Read my post titled “Readiness for change #1 and #2”). I feel so flat because I don’t have any desire to know this happy news. You know why? I entered this program without test, LOL, just required to register SIMAK and waited for the announcement. For your information, special for English bachelor students who have just graduated for a year can purpose to their study program without having SIMAK. We just have to submit copy of mark transcript, CV, and a letter of recommendation from the Head of Department, to be forwarded to the Manager of Education and signed by the Dean of Faculty.
My flat feeling didn’t last so long because there’s another problem I was thinking about. My sister will enter university as well. She really wants to enter ITB, and it will cost much. Looking at my family condition, I guess my parents afford to pay the tuition fee, but I know they will sacrifice something, or I don’t know how they earn money. As usual, I can just receive it without knowing how hectic they are. I think, all parents who want to see their children’s bright future will do the same. Few times a go, I had been so depressed, thinking about how I can earn some money, at least lightening their burden, or sharing some of my salaries to cover half of the tuition fee. I promised to myself, by August, I will have given the money to my parents, because I thought the payment period would be in August. In fact, I was wrong. It will be in June.
“Don’t worry. No need to think about that” my parents said
“But…I don’t know, I feel guilty” I responded
“No, when you have a strong intention, God will ease the way”
I don’t know how to act. Ridiculously I wish I got married to a rich guy who would be able to pay my tuition fee, Haha. Kidding. My brother has become a university student for two years, and now, my youngest sister’s turn. In my life, I never, never feel this complicated. When I studied in high school, I never thought of money. I just enjoyed my life without any concerns. Everything was fulfilled. Everything seemed so light. When I wanted something, I could just request abcd, but when I graduate from university and work, my emphatic feeling grows up. Hey, I have been working, so I know how to take responsibility. Even though my parents always say ‘don’t worry’, I still feel very guilty. I have tried not to ask for money for a year. Thank to God, my income was enough to fulfill my needs. And for the remaining months, I will save my earnings to ease their burden, hehehe.
Another problem is that, uumh, well, you read I wrote ‘alternative dream’ in the first paragraph. Actually, studying in the country instead of overseas for postgraduate study was not my real dream. I dream of studying overseas, but I found myself unready to meet the requirements, I mean, this is not the right time although I believe I can meet the eligibility. Amen. Some of my friends feel so regret knowing that I will continue my study in Indonesia instead of the United States, for example, LOL, though they are happy knowing that I’ve been accepted at UI. However, despite it all, I know myself better. So many CONSIDERATIONS leading me to choose other path, and this is God’s answer after all.
I should be grateful, this is not the end, it’s just the beginning. I promise, I will give it my best shot to be a lecturer, I hope UI will accept me someday :p I’m trying, trying to do my best! Bismillahirrahmanirrahim! Welcome back UIIII! Prok prok wush!